What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 00:15
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He resisted the act ,that day.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She married twice! .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why do I want to suck cock, after smoking methamphetamine?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
How do I convince flat earthers that the earth is round?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My life is so biszare .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
How do you say "have fun" in French?
We all went to grammer schools
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Would this be the day?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And i lived it daily.
But it wasn’t much.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Is it legal for an employer to ask why you are taking time off from work?
But, we were locked up after school.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I said to her
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She found it foreign!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She loved him until the end.
I waited trembling.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im still living with it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I couldn’t, believe it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He knew the spot.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Who then, do I blame.?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I don,t even have a pension.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Ive learnt so much.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was scared of men, in general
So whats the point in blame.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Put me off passion for life!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It was going to be , some day.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Was to survive, this bastard.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I have no regrets .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So, i spoilt her more .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was 9 years of age.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was in good health!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Comes on , in middle age.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One cannot live in the past .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is soul school!.
What did i know ?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why did i forgive my father ?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My family never makes their pension either.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only rule us 5 kids had .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We were not on the streets..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I will be 64.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When she asked me how she looked .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She wouldn,t have been !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
All the time i was locked up.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was seconnd youngest,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But ive been too sick for many years..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was very sick at this time too.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I write beautiful poetry .